On death, dying, and happiness

One of my favorite subjects to write about and to discuss with friends, family, students, patients, and strangers alike is the state of happiness.

I have the pleasure of getting to discuss this very subject with some of my English students. The first chapter in my advanced English book is on lifestyle changes. Students are given a list of 16 vocabulary words and asked to check off which they have in their life now.

What can you check off in the list below?

clutter _____
good health _____
productivity _____
tension _____
contentment _____
good luck _____
stress _____
tranquility _____
energy _____
happiness _____
success _____
wealth _____

The exercise that follows prompts the students to answer the following questions:

1. What things would you like to have more or less of?
2. Which are the three most important things for you?
3. Can we do anything to change things? If so, what can we do?

This part of the unit always elicits a really interesting discussion with my students. The other day when I taught the chapter to two of my students I've been teaching since July, we had an honest and frank discussion about some issues going on in their lives and what they were thinking about how to address them to make positive changes.

I never get bored with this subject. But I will admit that I get frustrated and tired after listening to someone kvetch for too many times about what they will or won't do. At some point I start thinking, make a decision and go with it. Of course, you could say I'm doing exactly the same with my whole will-I-or-won't-I-stay-in-Lima decision that I have to make soon. So maybe I'm not in the best place to judge.

I had read a long long time ago, maybe going on 20 years ago now, that one of the biggest regrets people was about getting more education, going the next level in their studies. For instance, if they never graduated high school, then not getting their GED. Or if they had a master's degree, not getting their doctorate. That always struck me as interesting because for sure I would have thought it'd be more about relationships with others.

Of course, I can't quote you the source or even where I found this info because it was so long ago. But then a friend posted a link to an article written by a palliative care nurse about what her patients reflect on as they die.

The death and dying process has fascinated me for a long time. I started thinking a lot about death after my own near death experience the month I turned 20. I spent  a month in the hospital, on what you could reasonably call my death bed, while doctors scurried around trying to find out what was wrong with me. I didn't understand at the time that my liver was failing and that soon my other organs would start to shut down, although my family and friends were on the other side of that, watching me grow weaker and thinner and more and more jaundiced. That was a scary sight for them on so many levels, but it didn't really hit me until months later that my body was actually dying.

Then a few years ago, shortly after my second confrontation with the dying process, one of my doctors gave me a book written by a medical anthropologist that proved particularly fascinating. I've always meant to review Sharon Kaufman's ...And a Time to Die: How American Hospitals Shape the End of Life on this blog, and one day I will. But it was admittedly a tough read because I have such mixed emotions about the dying experience, how public it's become over the past century with the move from home to hospitals, how the actual decision to die is made by strangers, albeit medical professionals, but still strangers to the person dying. All of this has proved a heady subject to contemplate as I watched my grandfather dying six years ago, and even when I had to make the decision to put my two cats to sleep within the past few years.

Anyway, I've written before about happiness and contentment, because I strongly believe that everyone needs to contemplate their states of happiness and contentment and choose which path they will follow that leads to one or the other, or maybe if they're really fortunate (and why not?), both. For we are present in this life, and this life only, and it seems to me that if we have the gift of life that we need to make the most of it and not wait around for that grand moment that may or may not appear that. It seems like we need to be happy and/or content now with our life.

Here's an excerpt from the article, "Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed":

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what  others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

So it seems from this nurse's observations, that life is really as simple as choosing a life of happiness and contentment by expressing yourself honestly and surrounding yourself with love in family and friendships. It really is that simple.

Why don't more people choose this life?

I wish I had the answer for that. It's going to perplex me for the rest of my life, perhaps. But what I do know is that I could work on expressing myself more honestly. I do that to a certain point, and it's something I need to improve. I don't like when I express myself honestly and then get rejected for it, but I have to remember what the nurse wrote above about not being able to control the reactions of others. If I'm honest with myself and honest with others but still get rejected for it, then it seems like that only person who benefits in the end is me. Still, it doesn't feel all that great. But if it means weeding out the people who aren't so great for me while strengthening my relationships with the people who are good for me, then it seems like I can handle that. Well, something I need to work on. 

I can't even begin to tell you how much this make me laugh.

I think I've decided to stop worrying so much about other people's states of happiness and contentment for two reasons. One, I can't do anything to make someone happy or content, it's totally a personal choice. All I can do is be a loyal and supportive friend, provider, teacher, what have you. Two, I'm just too tired these days to focus on anyone but me. 

My energy levels have been so low these past few weeks, and all I can do is to just go into a tiny little cocoon of just me, peaking out just long enough to teach classes and see my friends from time to time. I try to spend my other time resting at home or on the beach, just enjoying what spurts of energy I do have. 

I've been told this over and over recently, and I think maybe it's actually starting to absorb into my thick skull: I'm the most important in my life. Though writing that just makes me feel super selfish and self-absorbed. Well, whatever.

What do you think about all of this? Please, I want to hear from you!